Self Destructing

I am someone that has had a long history of self abuse and hatred. For the longest time I equivocated all my self abuse and self hatred to my unstable childhood and crazy parents. I did suffer a great deal of trauma as a child and into my teens, but then I became my own abuser and had no idea how to deal with what I was doing to my self. I just knew that I could not handle my emotions or any sort of stress with out self destructing. My self destruction took form as a eating disorder when I was in my young teens. I feel like eating disorder should have a more sinister title, because eating disorder does not come close to describing the torture and self destruction that I went through for over 20 years.

When I was younger, my eating disorder was sort of benign. It was just something I did that seemed to keep me thin, I felt like I found a magic trick that had benefit with no consequences. I could eat all I wanted, I could zone out with food in private and then get rid of everything that just happened, like it never happened. This became my dearest and best friend that I had ever had. It loved me, it let me do what I wanted, it comforted me, and helped me cope with a deep brewing emotional trauma that I was unaware that I was suffering from.

My eating disorder really din't take over my life until about 15 years old. I was introduced to methamphetamine as a young teen and I fell in love for the first time. It was better than my eating disorder because I didn't think about food, EVER. I felt like my self for the first time in my life. Nothing bothered me. Not my family life, not my low self-esteem, NOTHING. I was untouchable when I was high. I was thin, I was beautiful, I was a live for the first time in my life. But, it did not last and my eating disorder went from being a mindless activity to a full blown monster when I did not have meth. I had lost a lot of weight with out trying when I was doing drugs but when they were gone, all of my life reality came rushing back 10 times stronger and I could not cope at all.

I wanted to keep up that high that came with feeling thin, and pretty with no problems. My brain equivocated that joy and freedom to being skinny because when I was high and skinny I was free. But when I did not have drugs I began to eat and eat and eat to cope with my emotional hell. This is what began the cycle of habitual binging and purging that lasted into my early thirties.

On the inside I was a mess, my emotions were more than I could handle. The amount of self hatred and self abuse that I did to my self was unimaginable. So many times through out my life I thought I was mentally retarded or straight up crazy. I could not quantify my behavior. Even with my fuck childhood and unstable parents, nothing explained what I was going through or doing to myself.

And no one knew...I seemed fine to everyone on outside.. In fact I just came across as unfriendly, curt, and cold. I never let anyone get too close to me; I did not know how and I was terrified of people. I saw people as getting in the way of me being able to go hide with my coping skills (addiction). People thought I was a snob and unfriendly, when the truth was I lacked any self-esteem and was dying on the inside. This was very hidden, no one knew how unequipped I really was, I always felt like a fraud and was paranoid that someone was going to find out my secrete at any moment.

My whole teen years were spent doing drugs or binging and purging. I preferred drugs but they were not always accessible to me. But when I had them, I would escape from it all and go into my own magic world were I was happy and I was loved. I never wanted to leave that place. It was the only time in my life that I felt safe that, where I could truly be okay. But the drugs would wear off and I would be kicked out of my magic land and thrusted back into a place that I did not want to be, where I did not know how to be.

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