September 7, 2017

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Two steps forward...

September 7, 2017

How to feel self love when you do not feel self love?  I have been tackling that conundrum for a very long time.  My philosophy and spiritual beliefs is that we are all spiritual being, perfect the way we are; not broken or damaged, but just as we are suppose to be.  Doesn't that raise the question then of, "what is the point of changing?"  If we are perfect not loving ourselves, doesn't that me not loving ourselves is perfect?  Or is it that there is no need to feel anything but love for ourselves, because we are perfect.  

I bring this up because today I do not feel much love for myself.  I am not wallowing in self hatred, nor am I searching for a way to change my feelings.  I am simply observing how I feel and why I feel the way that I do.  It could be nothing more than boredom.  My daughter has been sick all week.  It could be that I am in my natural rhythm and that this is my turn into self reflection and introspect.  Or it could be that I am still struggling with a sever eating disorder and body dis morphia; that when I feel anything less than thin and pretty I fall into a shame spiral.  I am building a foundation that is more stable then it has ever been, but I still struggle.  

I know that this is a healing sight and talking about my problems may not be wise on my part.  It may be seen that I am less than for being a credible source for healing.  Yes, I have come along way in my recovery, but I am still human and want to share that healing does not equal perfection.  Healing is never ending.  I can say that I am able to have days like these and not completely self destruct.  That is a miracle that I account to hard work through spiritual growth.  

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